


To Be or Not To Be

by BooksAreMyDivision



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare
Genre: F/M, Gay, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, To Be Or Not To Be soliloquy, intrusive thoughts personified
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 00:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20164912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooksAreMyDivision/pseuds/BooksAreMyDivision
Summary: Hamlet is contemplating suicide and revenge after his brother Connall(Old Hamlet) is outed in their conservative small town and takes his life. Hamlet is toying with taking his life and with getting revenge on the person who outed his brother. Hamlet's thoughts take on a persona(Adrian) who urges him to die. Hamlet also muses on his love for Horatio.





	To Be or Not To Be

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this was one of my English assessments last year. I had a personal mission to gay up every creative piece I did and this was one of them. Trigger warning for suicidal ideation and homophobia. Enjoy

To suicide or not to suicide, now there’s a question. Is it better for me to continue to live and face the constant jeers about my brothers no longer secret and his subsequent death, to be reminded that I have a secret that could ruin me or is it better for me to just end it, end all of this suffering and pain, end all of the taunts, end the need to hide who I am lest I end up like my brother. 

To end the constant war that rages in my head between the voices and myself, to escape the jeers of emo and devil worshipper, to just end it all. To end the constant fear that I live in, to end this gut wrenching sorrow I feel every day. Because what is the point of living if I’m not happy, I cant even turn to my beloved Horatio as he lives in another city and I can’t be seen with him without outing myself. 

And by ending it free myself from the pain and suffering that is the human existence, at least this is what Adrian has told me every day since I found my brother lying dead in his room with an empty bottle of painkillers lying next to him. Adrian is the voice that resides in my head, he’s the source of all of my bad thoughts. I guess he’s always been there lurking in the back of my mind feeding me poisonous thoughts but he’s never been this powerful before, never had this much sway on my mind before. At least not in this way. He tells me that dying is just like sleeping only more permanent and that in sleep we do nothing but dream but that is what I fear. 

My dreams are often plagued with nightmares, maybe this is why so many do not go through with this decision. Their fear of death and what comes with it overruling their misery because why else would they continue to tolerate this hell that is human existence; why else would they continue to shoulder this immense burden; why else would they choose to endure the endless trials of existence if not because they feared the consequences of their act as I also do. It seems that fear does make cowards out of us all in the end.

This is why I’m still alive, why I still suffer against Adrian’s best advice. This along with my brothers need for justice, Conall (Old Hamlet) started to appear soon after his death asking me to get revenge against Samael(Claudius) -a friend so close to us as to be our brother not in blood but of the heart- for outing him as Bi to our uber-conservative town. Every day he appears, never in the same place but always with the same message; “Avenge me, destroy Sam as he destroyed me brother. Avenge me and then I’ll rest.” I fear that he is not real, that he is just a figment of grief-stricken mind but I cannot ignore him. He will not let me ignore him until I carry out his wishes. I cannot sleep until I carry out his wishes

And so I will get revenge on Sam for outing him all the while keeping my secrets close to my chest because if being bi in a conservative town is frowned upon being gay is even worse. Not to mention Leah(Ophelia) would either kill me if she found out I was using her as a beard or herself for letting yet another person take advantage of her. Ah well, I guess my mind has beaten itself today, sorry Adrian, maybe another day after I get my revenge.

Oh, Leah is calling me. Speak of the she-devil and she will appear, time to go play at being straight.


End file.
